Tuesday, May 29, 2012

sammy jo.

every year for the entirity of my life to date, i have celebrated today as a day of life-giving. my brother's birthday. and then six years ago, today became a day of life-taking as well. and i remember it so vividly it still tears my heart.

for six years i have battled emotions of joy and sorrow when thinking about life and death.. it was that day that i sincerely felt vulnerable for the first time.. the first time i was old enough to understand that someone close to me had passed. it was the first time i hated God.. the first time i questioned my faith. the first time i questioned everything around me and why someone like me deserved to be here. the first time i felt like i was floating and drowning at the same time.

and as the years progress, and i get older, more people come and go. and i still question and wonder and get angry. i still don't get it. and i still feel guilty that i'm still here.

and i still catch fragments of those sparkling eyes that possess. and the smile that makes them disappear. and i know i'm not the only one. and that makes me feel 

both joy and sorrow.
because she's impossible to forget.


Thursday, May 17, 2012

the land of milk and honey.

so i've come and gone and dabbled in this and that in the last month or so. i was robbed of my iphone while working, and was given a free one the following day from an almost stranger, after my cellular provider gave me a free month of usage because of my "loss".. and with this free month i bought US minutes and therefore had a phone plan while i quit my job and leisurely drove the california highway down to coachella - the music festival where dreams come true.

seeing almost 40 acts in a span of 3 days.. making friends and breaking trends in a sea of fashionistas and celebs.. the just-bearable sweltering heat of a 106 degree desert.. with daytime minutes spent chugging water and finding shade in the most remote of places after daring the relentlessly exposed main stage for a must-see show.. evenings spent dancing in patches of green grass and flying past bodies, eager to catch the next performance at the next stage.. the sensory overload of sights, smells, and feelings, while watching idolized bodies serenade thousands in summer nights. our canopied campsite reminiscent of childhood forts, connected through posts, scraps of fabric, and the unbreakable bond of fellow festival-goers: our camp is your camp. with the unspoken agreement that we will not keep in touch, we say goodbye with intimate feelings of mutual respect: we survived this together.

continuing up to los angeles we booked into hollywood for the night. starry streets and milkshakes.. the morning spent on a windy venice beach.. and a drop-in on the queen of the valley: aunt leslie in all her glory, accompanied by the vivacious gary. we had such a riot chatting, laughing, and drinking wine that before we knew it we were helping to prepare a dinner we previously hadn't the time for, and three hours later were almost ready to set up camp in the backyard and stay awhile.. difficult as it was to say goodbye, we eventually made our way up the coast a few hours where we pitched a tent in the rain and woke up damp but undeterred. creeping slowly up the coastal highway, we snaked past hanging cliffs and white-capped waves.. past mistresses' castles and antique shops in hick towns with no gas stations.. past big sur with the rich smells of salty air meeting pine forest meeting a humid mash of rainy floral delight..

we made it to san fran. reunited with eric g and nic o, we strolled the hilly streets.. good talks, rainy walks, billiards and beers.. taking in the painted sisters, the golden gate, and countless amounts of authentic tacos.. then saying goodbye to danelle who had a prior engagement back in vancity; her empty car seat was quickly filled [her shoes left gaping].. and we cruised north once more.

into the redwood forest we past one-log homes, a crisp curving river, and took a relaxing, friendly, scenic drive through the aisle of the giants.. and then took another relaxing, friendly, scenic drive to our campsite [unbeknownst to us] as we drove a 20 mile loop out of the way and coincidentally almost ran out of gas.. these were relaxing friendly times.

setting up camp next to a babbling creek, we were in awe of our surroundings.. cushiony green moss took cover on almost every square inch of bark in the vicinity. the lushness of the forest was evident even with closed eyes, you could feel it in every breath. we humbly walked amongst the ancient giants until their canopies oppressed the last stubborn rays of sun and we were forced to retreat back to camp, where pioneering nic lit our campfire with a single match. we grilled up dinner and sipped local microbrews chilled in the stream..

waking to the soothing sound of the brook, we sadly said goodbye after one last hike.. we packed up camp and trudged straight through the last 10 hour stint, crossing the border at 3:30am and making it back to vancouver by the first signs of morning light. and after three days of floating in a strange mix of nostalgia, in a city that already felt like five lifetimes ago, nic and i drove east.. through another five lifetimes of fields and dreams. back to a land where family and friends were the same, but different. as were my feelings about it all.

home for the first time in more than 7 months, i am amazed, as always, at the people i have in my life. how i got so lucky i will never know. the days passed all too quickly and with a blink it was time to go. not a goodbye, but a see you soon. fields replaced with mountains.. tangible relations replaced with the imagination. uncertainties as prominent as ever. and here i sit.. with the rocky ranges just past my kitchen window and the sun shining on my shoulders.