Wednesday, February 26, 2014

steps that count.

i am a creature of habit.

i habitually wake up. i wash my face. brush my teeth. put on pants.
i go out into the world. i distract myself unintentionally. i count my steps. i count letters in my head, on signs, in movies, in conversations. i count patterns in letters. i count words. and lines in words. i floss every evening.

i habitually try to be good and habitually fail miserably. through these failures i have self-inflicted wounds. not physical wounds [at least in a tangible sense].. but mental wounds. i do something wrong and i internally beat myself up. i don't verbalize my flaws.. i personally avenge them. which is wearing both mentally and physically. our minds and bodies are so completely connected, and yet somehow i have continually forgotten just how important it is to be conscious of my mental health and it's affect on my body physically. in both it's immune system capacity as well as it's energy levels and therefore reflection on feelings of self worth. it's a vicious cycle.

when i am concentrating on something, i habitually frown. i noticed it today when sitting on the bus opposite a stranger. smiling felt better. when someone walked right at me on the sidewalk and almost bowled me over i habitually welled up with anger. and i just as quickly noted that even if they meant to, i am one hundred percent okay. there is no need to feel this internal negativity. by taking note of these small instances, i am slowly working on focusing my energies; on releasing my emotions and vibrations in more positive and mindful ways, towards strangers and friends alike.

when it comes to habits there is, as with all things, a substantial amount of grey area. they certainly aren't all bad. my dentist and my orderly apartment, [if it could speak] would agree. the problem lies in mundane and unnecessary anger. in trivial surges of bad vibes. in self-loathing. life is too short to dwell on insecurities that cannot be changed.

i am attempting to change some detrimental habits.

future goal: unintentionally distract myself counting my blessings.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

clinical observations.

so last evening i was at the ultrasound clinic, [you know, as you do].. *just kidding. i am not pregnant, i promise [you should also know that not every kind of ultrasound requires you to fast, drink a whole bunch of liquid, and not pee for two hours prior.. (i learned this last evening as i was uncomfortably prodded.. when i finally verbalized that my discomfort was related to the fact that i had to pee terribly, as if that wouldn't be obvious, the technician looked at me like i was crazy and told me there was a restroom across the hall.) you learn something new every day.]

Anyways. so there i was. and i got to thinking about pregnancy, as i am completely surrounded by pregnant strangers and their hormones.. and how crazy it is that women grow babies inside of their bodies.. and all of the things that it might feel like, and also what it might feel like after that baby was a tangible Thing.. and then how crazy it is that people raise these babies, and they are depended on, in the majority of cases, for Literally the rest of their lives. that's Crazy. and then sometimes they forget and decide it's a good idea to have another one. [i tease]. and i was thinking about My mom, and how crazy she was to have five.. and how absolutely awesome she is. she was this incredible person before she was a mom and then she just kept on being an incredible person. i talked to her on the phone earlier yesterday afternoon for the first time in a little bit, and i re-fell in the love with her voice that i never stopped loving just because she's my Mom, and she is so awesome. and i will depend on her for the rest of my tangible life.

so basically, this is a blog about how much i love my mom.

as a bonus, here is a beautiful excerpt i read as i waited in the clinic lobby.. it is from joseph conrad's heart of darkness.

the water shone pacifically; the sky, without a speck, was a benign immensity of unstained light; the very mist on the Essex marshes was like a gauzy and radiant fabric, hung from the wooded rises inland, and draping the low shores in diaphanous folds. only the gloom to the west, brooding over the upper reaches, became more sombre every minute, as if angered by the approach of the sun.
and at last, in its curved and imperceptible fall, the sun sank low, and from glowing white changed to a dull red without rays and without heat, as if about to go out suddenly, stricken to death by the touch of that gloom brooding over a crowd of men.
forthwith a change came over the waters, and the serenity became less brilliant but more profound.