steps that count.

i am a creature of habit.

i habitually wake up. i wash my face. brush my teeth. put on pants.
i go out into the world. i distract myself unintentionally. i count my steps. i count letters in my head, on signs, in movies, in conversations. i count patterns in letters. i count words. and lines in words. i floss every evening.

i habitually try to be good and habitually fail miserably. through these failures i have self-inflicted wounds. not physical wounds [at least in a tangible sense].. but mental wounds. i do something wrong and i internally beat myself up. i don't verbalize my flaws.. i personally avenge them. which is wearing both mentally and physically. our minds and bodies are so completely connected, and yet somehow i have continually forgotten just how important it is to be conscious of my mental health and it's affect on my body physically. in both it's immune system capacity as well as it's energy levels and therefore reflection on feelings of self worth. it's a vicious cycle.

when i am concentrating on something, i habitually frown. i noticed it today when sitting on the bus opposite a stranger. smiling felt better. when someone walked right at me on the sidewalk and almost bowled me over i habitually welled up with anger. and i just as quickly noted that even if they meant to, i am one hundred percent okay. there is no need to feel this internal negativity. by taking note of these small instances, i am slowly working on focusing my energies; on releasing my emotions and vibrations in more positive and mindful ways, towards strangers and friends alike.

when it comes to habits there is, as with all things, a substantial amount of grey area. they certainly aren't all bad. my dentist and my orderly apartment, [if it could speak] would agree. the problem lies in mundane and unnecessary anger. in trivial surges of bad vibes. in self-loathing. life is too short to dwell on insecurities that cannot be changed.

i am attempting to change some detrimental habits.

future goal: unintentionally distract myself counting my blessings.

clinical observations.

so last evening i was at the ultrasound clinic, [you know, as you do].. *just kidding. i am not pregnant, i promise [you should also know that not every kind of ultrasound requires you to fast, drink a whole bunch of liquid, and not pee for two hours prior.. (i learned this last evening as i was uncomfortably prodded.. when i finally verbalized that my discomfort was related to the fact that i had to pee terribly, as if that wouldn't be obvious, the technician looked at me like i was crazy and told me there was a restroom across the hall.) you learn something new every day.]

Anyways. so there i was. and i got to thinking about pregnancy, as i am completely surrounded by pregnant strangers and their hormones.. and how crazy it is that women grow babies inside of their bodies.. and all of the things that it might feel like, and also what it might feel like after that baby was a tangible Thing.. and then how crazy it is that people raise these babies, and they are depended on, in the majority of cases, for Literally the rest of their lives. that's Crazy. and then sometimes they forget and decide it's a good idea to have another one. [i tease]. and i was thinking about My mom, and how crazy she was to have five.. and how absolutely awesome she is. she was this incredible person before she was a mom and then she just kept on being an incredible person. i talked to her on the phone earlier yesterday afternoon for the first time in a little bit, and i re-fell in the love with her voice that i never stopped loving just because she's my Mom, and she is so awesome. and i will depend on her for the rest of my tangible life.

so basically, this is a blog about how much i love my mom.

as a bonus, here is a beautiful excerpt i read as i waited in the clinic lobby.. it is from joseph conrad's heart of darkness.

the water shone pacifically; the sky, without a speck, was a benign immensity of unstained light; the very mist on the Essex marshes was like a gauzy and radiant fabric, hung from the wooded rises inland, and draping the low shores in diaphanous folds. only the gloom to the west, brooding over the upper reaches, became more sombre every minute, as if angered by the approach of the sun.
and at last, in its curved and imperceptible fall, the sun sank low, and from glowing white changed to a dull red without rays and without heat, as if about to go out suddenly, stricken to death by the touch of that gloom brooding over a crowd of men.
forthwith a change came over the waters, and the serenity became less brilliant but more profound. 

2013/[a]pathetic.

turns out that by living in the same city for extended periods of time, i am consequently squashing any drive i have to document my experiences [or something].. this will be my one and only posting in 2013. there is no positive correlation to my having nothing to report for the year, nor my doing nothing, [of which both may also be true].. i've just completely misplaced this page. and more appropriately, misplaced almost everything computer related. besides my weekly facebook excursions [to keep up appearances..], my computer is used most frequently for listening to music, and even my iTunes is completely outdated. as if the internet hasn't essentially dropped every tool i need almost literally into my lap [or wherever i feel the need to set my laptop] - i could both own and/or illegally possess pretty much any album of all time in a matter of minutes. and yet, i don't. good lord the more i type this the more i wonder if i can even blame this inertia on my staganance, or if my life has truly become so lethargic..

this year i turned 27. my rock star status depends solely on how these next 10 months play out. so far i'm still alive.. [please review last sentence of first paragraph]. no - this is not all true. well, it is. however my average feelings towards most things are usually not quite this nihilistic. as 2013 quickly comes to a close, i, as well as pretty much everyone else that follows the calendar year, find myself reflecting. memory is a funny thing, and mine is knowingly quite skewed. therefore it's especially interesting to look back and understand how events warp and change as our present experiences happen, ultimately shaping our present perspectives, and then consequently how we view our past. and so, i reflect.

in the early spring i found myself reawakening after a long, lonely, miserable winter. the short days had weighed heavily on my heart and it was refreshing to branch out in vancouver.. something i felt i hadn't done since making this place my home a year and a half prior. it was a random, inconsequential, worry-free time. i awoke one morning and on a whim bought myself a ticket to coachella. a short while later i was registered in a carpentry program come fall. the days proceeded to grow, as did my appetite for wonder and adventure. warm summer days were filled with friends.. camping trips, skinny dips, bike rides, beaches, and working only as much as necessary.. it was a fine balance between making rent, affording the lifestyle, and maintaining cordial relations in the workplace while being there as little as possible.. a kegger in july concluded a monumental year at babe manor, and on august 1st i started fresh in my [still nameless] bachelorette. a handful of days later, and i was on a plane prairie-bound. i spent a whirl-wind of a month with family and friends, staying in one place for no more than a few days at a time. it was a huge growing curve both emotionally and intellectually, and i was able to have many conversations and interactions that i will forever carry with me. although the flatlands will always be home and hold a huge piece of my heart, i was anxious to get back west when september hit. a couple weeks to regroup, officially move in, remember how to work, catch up with friends, and i was into full time studies. for the first time in years my weekdays became busy, and my weekends became relevant. being the sole female in my class, it has been an interesting challenge working in a chauvinistic, male dominated trade. my impressions and feelings about it are vast and change daily. i recently completed my year 1 final, and am currently mid-way through winter break. one more week, and i'm back to hitting the books/blocks. 

last weekend was the winter solstice, marking the shortest day of the year. although obscenely mild in temperatures, this winter has presented it's new share of obstacles in temperaments.. i am doing my utmost to meet them head-on and sort through the bullshit. time is a strange thing, and 2013 came and went with a blink. i am ringing in the new year at work.. surrounded by people and alone [how relevant]. 2014 - i have big hopes for you, it clearly wont be hard to let me down.. cheers to rediscovering an outlet for my words, my gracious and loving family, and apathy [my new (old) friend]. 

jesus was a carpenter.

an extensive amount of time has passed since my last real post. no excuses besides the rat race that is life. my time has been filled with friends.. school work, (maintaining a modest A+).. work, and work friends enjoying unrelated activities.. multiple shows.. walking.. laughing.. crying.. the transition from summer into fall.. into wintery downpours that are pleasantly broken up with random, lovely, dry, moderately temperatured afternoons. i celebrated my birthday last week.. i've now passed the quarter century mark. there is no turning back, adulthood is upon me and i am immersed in the syrup that sticks reckless youth and mature reasoning into a pot of moral dilemma. what to do what to do..

these past couple weeks have spun into some new webs planning for spring.. mostly involving school registration and frustration. it can be quite the drag when all you want to do is selflessly/selfishly learn, with the intention of attempting to help better an unbiased sample of the population.. it's quite the drag because the system we have has essentially set up flaming hoops that are moreso for easily engulfing cash bills rather than preparation, and are ultimately discouraging when you are me. i often think about whether things in life "happen for a reason". and how to distinguish between active and passive decision-making, or if that distinction even exists. i am actively thinking about my future. i'm actively working towards self betterment. i'm actively considering my personal goals and the things that make me happy. that are fulfilling. that i can do for an extended period of time without the gnawing emptiness that ensues, that has followed me everywhere to some extent. i'm wondering if this discouraging system is telling me that it's time to change gears. look elsewhere. try something new. come at it from a different angle. and i am left wondering whether these obstacles are leading me to passively forfeit.

i'm registered in a chemistry course for the january semester which will continue my neverending attempt at a nursing school application form.. i am also seeking information for wood working and carpentry courses. is that straight out of left field you ask? a physically challenging creative outlet with countless possibilities, flexible hours, and no borders.. only time will tell.

chosen field: life.

I will once again post the words of another; one far more poetic and experienced than I.

Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road:

Various ultimate careers were predicted for him, the consensus being that his work would lie somewhere "in the humanities" if not precisely in the arts--it would, at any rate, be something that called for a long and steadfast dedication--and that it would involve his early and permanent withdrawal to Europe, which he often described as the only part of the world worth living in. And Frank himself, walking the streets at daybreak after some of those talks, or lying and thinking on Bethune Street on nights when he had the use of the place but had no girl to use it with, hardly ever entertained a doubt of his exceptional merit. Weren't the biographies of all great men filled with this same kind of youthful grouping, this same kind of rebellion against their fathers and their fathers' ways? He could even be grateful in a sense that he had no particular area of interest: in avoiding specific goals he had avoided specific limitations. For the time being the world, life itself, could be his chosen field.
     Part 1, Ch 2, page 29.

But she needed no more advice and no more instruction. She was calm and quiet now with knowing what she had always known, what neither her parents nor Aunt Claire nor Frank nor anyone else had ever had to teach her: that if you wanted to do something absolutely honest, something true, it always turned out to be a thing that had to be done alone.
     Part 3, Ch 7, page 425.

strange dreams. [be daring].

“In a morbid condition of the brain, dreams often have a singular activity, vividness and extraordinary semblance of reality. At times monstrous images are created, but the setting and the whole picture are so truth like and filled with details so delicate, so unexpected, but so artistically consistent, that the dreamer, were he an artist like Pushkin or Turgenev even, could never have invented them in the waking state. Such sick dreams always remain long in the memory and make a powerful impression on the overwrought and deranged nervous system.”
       -Part I, Chapter V, p. 57

“And I kept thinking…And I had dreams all the time, strange dreams of all sorts, no need to describe! Only then I began to fancy that….No, that’s not it! Again I am telling you wrong! You see I kept asking myself then: why am I so stupid, that if others are stupid--and I know they are--yet I won’t be wiser? Then I saw, Sonia, that if one waits for everyone to get wiser it will take too long….Afterwards I understood that that would never come to pass, that men won’t change and that nobody can alter it and that it’s not worth wasting effort over it. Yes, that’s so. That’s the law of their nature, Sonia…that’s so!…And I know now, Sonia, that whoever is strong in mind and spirit will have power over them. Anyone who is greatly daring is right in their eyes. He who despises most things will be a law-giver among them and he who dares most of all will be most in the right! So it has been till now and so it will always be. A man must be blind not to see it!”
       -Part IV, Chapter III, p. 413

“‘…But what I say is, that if you convince a person logically that he has nothing to cry about, he’ll stop crying. That’s clear. Is it your conviction that he won’t?’
      ‘Life would be too easy if it were so,’ answered Raskolnikov.”
       -Part IV, Chapter IV, p. 419

Fyodor Dostoevsky in Crime and Punishment.

sammy jo.

every year for the entirity of my life to date, i have celebrated today as a day of life-giving. my brother's birthday. and then six years ago, today became a day of life-taking as well. and i remember it so vividly it still tears my heart.

for six years i have battled emotions of joy and sorrow when thinking about life and death.. it was that day that i sincerely felt vulnerable for the first time.. the first time i was old enough to understand that someone close to me had passed. it was the first time i hated God.. the first time i questioned my faith. the first time i questioned everything around me and why someone like me deserved to be here. the first time i felt like i was floating and drowning at the same time.

and as the years progress, and i get older, more people come and go. and i still question and wonder and get angry. i still don't get it. and i still feel guilty that i'm still here.

and i still catch fragments of those sparkling eyes that possess. and the smile that makes them disappear. and i know i'm not the only one. and that makes me feel 

both joy and sorrow.
because she's impossible to forget.