Wednesday, February 26, 2014

steps that count.

i am a creature of habit.

i habitually wake up. i wash my face. brush my teeth. put on pants.
i go out into the world. i distract myself unintentionally. i count my steps. i count letters in my head, on signs, in movies, in conversations. i count patterns in letters. i count words. and lines in words. i floss every evening.

i habitually try to be good and habitually fail miserably. through these failures i have self-inflicted wounds. not physical wounds [at least in a tangible sense].. but mental wounds. i do something wrong and i internally beat myself up. i don't verbalize my flaws.. i personally avenge them. which is wearing both mentally and physically. our minds and bodies are so completely connected, and yet somehow i have continually forgotten just how important it is to be conscious of my mental health and it's affect on my body physically. in both it's immune system capacity as well as it's energy levels and therefore reflection on feelings of self worth. it's a vicious cycle.

when i am concentrating on something, i habitually frown. i noticed it today when sitting on the bus opposite a stranger. smiling felt better. when someone walked right at me on the sidewalk and almost bowled me over i habitually welled up with anger. and i just as quickly noted that even if they meant to, i am one hundred percent okay. there is no need to feel this internal negativity. by taking note of these small instances, i am slowly working on focusing my energies; on releasing my emotions and vibrations in more positive and mindful ways, towards strangers and friends alike.

when it comes to habits there is, as with all things, a substantial amount of grey area. they certainly aren't all bad. my dentist and my orderly apartment, [if it could speak] would agree. the problem lies in mundane and unnecessary anger. in trivial surges of bad vibes. in self-loathing. life is too short to dwell on insecurities that cannot be changed.

i am attempting to change some detrimental habits.

future goal: unintentionally distract myself counting my blessings.