sammy jo.

every year for the entirity of my life to date, i have celebrated today as a day of life-giving. my brother's birthday. and then six years ago, today became a day of life-taking as well. and i remember it so vividly it still tears my heart.

for six years i have battled emotions of joy and sorrow when thinking about life and death.. it was that day that i sincerely felt vulnerable for the first time.. the first time i was old enough to understand that someone close to me had passed. it was the first time i hated God.. the first time i questioned my faith. the first time i questioned everything around me and why someone like me deserved to be here. the first time i felt like i was floating and drowning at the same time.

and as the years progress, and i get older, more people come and go. and i still question and wonder and get angry. i still don't get it. and i still feel guilty that i'm still here.

and i still catch fragments of those sparkling eyes that possess. and the smile that makes them disappear. and i know i'm not the only one. and that makes me feel 

both joy and sorrow.
because she's impossible to forget.