strange dreams. [be daring].

“In a morbid condition of the brain, dreams often have a singular activity, vividness and extraordinary semblance of reality. At times monstrous images are created, but the setting and the whole picture are so truth like and filled with details so delicate, so unexpected, but so artistically consistent, that the dreamer, were he an artist like Pushkin or Turgenev even, could never have invented them in the waking state. Such sick dreams always remain long in the memory and make a powerful impression on the overwrought and deranged nervous system.”
       -Part I, Chapter V, p. 57

“And I kept thinking…And I had dreams all the time, strange dreams of all sorts, no need to describe! Only then I began to fancy that….No, that’s not it! Again I am telling you wrong! You see I kept asking myself then: why am I so stupid, that if others are stupid--and I know they are--yet I won’t be wiser? Then I saw, Sonia, that if one waits for everyone to get wiser it will take too long….Afterwards I understood that that would never come to pass, that men won’t change and that nobody can alter it and that it’s not worth wasting effort over it. Yes, that’s so. That’s the law of their nature, Sonia…that’s so!…And I know now, Sonia, that whoever is strong in mind and spirit will have power over them. Anyone who is greatly daring is right in their eyes. He who despises most things will be a law-giver among them and he who dares most of all will be most in the right! So it has been till now and so it will always be. A man must be blind not to see it!”
       -Part IV, Chapter III, p. 413

“‘…But what I say is, that if you convince a person logically that he has nothing to cry about, he’ll stop crying. That’s clear. Is it your conviction that he won’t?’
      ‘Life would be too easy if it were so,’ answered Raskolnikov.”
       -Part IV, Chapter IV, p. 419

Fyodor Dostoevsky in Crime and Punishment.

sammy jo.

every year for the entirity of my life to date, i have celebrated today as a day of life-giving. my brother's birthday. and then six years ago, today became a day of life-taking as well. and i remember it so vividly it still tears my heart.

for six years i have battled emotions of joy and sorrow when thinking about life and death.. it was that day that i sincerely felt vulnerable for the first time.. the first time i was old enough to understand that someone close to me had passed. it was the first time i hated God.. the first time i questioned my faith. the first time i questioned everything around me and why someone like me deserved to be here. the first time i felt like i was floating and drowning at the same time.

and as the years progress, and i get older, more people come and go. and i still question and wonder and get angry. i still don't get it. and i still feel guilty that i'm still here.

and i still catch fragments of those sparkling eyes that possess. and the smile that makes them disappear. and i know i'm not the only one. and that makes me feel 

both joy and sorrow.
because she's impossible to forget.

the land of milk and honey.

so i've come and gone and dabbled in this and that in the last month or so. i was robbed of my iphone while working, and was given a free one the following day from an almost stranger, after my cellular provider gave me a free month of usage because of my "loss".. and with this free month i bought US minutes and therefore had a phone plan while i quit my job and leisurely drove the california highway down to coachella - the music festival where dreams come true.

seeing almost 40 acts in a span of 3 days.. making friends and breaking trends in a sea of fashionistas and celebs.. the just-bearable sweltering heat of a 106 degree desert.. with daytime minutes spent chugging water and finding shade in the most remote of places after daring the relentlessly exposed main stage for a must-see show.. evenings spent dancing in patches of green grass and flying past bodies, eager to catch the next performance at the next stage.. the sensory overload of sights, smells, and feelings, while watching idolized bodies serenade thousands in summer nights. our canopied campsite reminiscent of childhood forts, connected through posts, scraps of fabric, and the unbreakable bond of fellow festival-goers: our camp is your camp. with the unspoken agreement that we will not keep in touch, we say goodbye with intimate feelings of mutual respect: we survived this together.

continuing up to los angeles we booked into hollywood for the night. starry streets and milkshakes.. the morning spent on a windy venice beach.. and a drop-in on the queen of the valley: aunt leslie in all her glory, accompanied by the vivacious gary. we had such a riot chatting, laughing, and drinking wine that before we knew it we were helping to prepare a dinner we previously hadn't the time for, and three hours later were almost ready to set up camp in the backyard and stay awhile.. difficult as it was to say goodbye, we eventually made our way up the coast a few hours where we pitched a tent in the rain and woke up damp but undeterred. creeping slowly up the coastal highway, we snaked past hanging cliffs and white-capped waves.. past mistresses' castles and antique shops in hick towns with no gas stations.. past big sur with the rich smells of salty air meeting pine forest meeting a humid mash of rainy floral delight..

we made it to san fran. reunited with eric g and nic o, we strolled the hilly streets.. good talks, rainy walks, billiards and beers.. taking in the painted sisters, the golden gate, and countless amounts of authentic tacos.. then saying goodbye to danelle who had a prior engagement back in vancity; her empty car seat was quickly filled [her shoes left gaping].. and we cruised north once more.

into the redwood forest we past one-log homes, a crisp curving river, and took a relaxing, friendly, scenic drive through the aisle of the giants.. and then took another relaxing, friendly, scenic drive to our campsite [unbeknownst to us] as we drove a 20 mile loop out of the way and coincidentally almost ran out of gas.. these were relaxing friendly times.

setting up camp next to a babbling creek, we were in awe of our surroundings.. cushiony green moss took cover on almost every square inch of bark in the vicinity. the lushness of the forest was evident even with closed eyes, you could feel it in every breath. we humbly walked amongst the ancient giants until their canopies oppressed the last stubborn rays of sun and we were forced to retreat back to camp, where pioneering nic lit our campfire with a single match. we grilled up dinner and sipped local microbrews chilled in the stream..

waking to the soothing sound of the brook, we sadly said goodbye after one last hike.. we packed up camp and trudged straight through the last 10 hour stint, crossing the border at 3:30am and making it back to vancouver by the first signs of morning light. and after three days of floating in a strange mix of nostalgia, in a city that already felt like five lifetimes ago, nic and i drove east.. through another five lifetimes of fields and dreams. back to a land where family and friends were the same, but different. as were my feelings about it all.

home for the first time in more than 7 months, i am amazed, as always, at the people i have in my life. how i got so lucky i will never know. the days passed all too quickly and with a blink it was time to go. not a goodbye, but a see you soon. fields replaced with mountains.. tangible relations replaced with the imagination. uncertainties as prominent as ever. and here i sit.. with the rocky ranges just past my kitchen window and the sun shining on my shoulders. 

it's a lose/lose.

i have a bad tendency of thinking that words are always better than no words. so at times when i don't know what to say, my foot seems pretty tasty. i guess i just always felt the need to let the people around me know how i feel. and i guess i always thought it was a good thing, and that i was good at it. but i guess the only thing i have realized is that i'm really not good at the one thing i mistook as my talent. so i guess now the only thing i'm good at is misinterpretations and too-little too-late situations.

my life can get pretty bubbled over here. things are so busy and hectic that i saw my roommate today for the first time in a week. the city moves fast and you have to move faster to avoid the undertow, and every now and then i find a moment to myself and i reflect on how good i have it. and my reflections are based solely on my unbelievably amazing family and friends; my reason for being. so in these calm moments i sometimes have the time to shoot a quick message, or drop a line. with nothing but the utmost interest in what's happening with them, the conversations inevitably begin with small chat about the day and what's happening presently, then generally progress into larger, sometimes more serious antidotes, and plateau with the i miss you's and let's do this more oftens. but when i get nothing back, i go into pilot mode. passengers if i can get your attention please, we're going to have to make an emergency landing, there seems to be no wind under wing and we are going down..

crash and burn.

i guess that's the best case scenario; go fast, hurt less.

25.

well. i feel like most people would find this the most inappropriate time to write a birthday blog. or any blog for that matter. but i have just said goodbye to my last guests and i felt the need to let the blogging world know how i really feel..

i am so incredibly blessed to have to most wonderful friends a girl could ever ask for. i don't know how i ever got so lucky. how am i so lucky?? for the first time in my entire life, friends dimmed the lights and surprised me with my very own homemade birthday cake topped with candles.. an entire household of friends sang to me, and i blew out the candles completely overwhelmed with feelings of happiness and indescribable wonder.

25 years. quite the marker. i don't know what it means exactly. this past week i spent some time reflecting on what it might mean, and what it might feel like.. and i've made several realizations about growth and maturity.. and i know that one day doesn't necessarily mark an entire change in a person, because really, it is one day past the last day of my 24th year.. but at the same time, i feel like it marks a drastic change in my life.. because the person i've been conspiring to be for some time is coming through, and it's more prominent now than it has ever been.. and maybe the label of 25 is an excuse to really push it through.. one last "hurrah", if you will.

i know what i want. and i'm slowly learning what it takes to get it. and i love all of you for being here with me through the thick and thin.. it means the world. and i certainly wouldn't be the person i am today without every single individual bit and piece of every one of you.

xox.

no big.

i've been looking at life from a fresh new perspective as of late. connections are growing and multiplying and the vast world network continues to shrink. two degrees will soon be the new six..

my visit home was rejuvenating. i've landed a new job, and snagged the sweetest guitar instructor, all in the span of four days.. both of which will be starting for real soon; my talk will finally turn into a walk.

i started knitting a scarf the other day.. my cross-stitching ideas are progressing nicely in my imagination, another project i will gladly indulge in as the temperatures cool. and a thrifting excursion is locked in for thursday; i am hoping to finally get my room furnished and in order.

oh, and when i got home from work today i had a sea salt foot soak with my best girl d.. after she baked our household a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies.

no big..

12-07.

i was going through some old posts of mine, and i came across this draft that i never got around to posting.. it seems as relevant now as it must have when i wrote it, in december of 2007.

_____________________________

something that has really been on my mind lately is the reality of wanting. how everyone just wants to be wanted. we're a needy bunch. it's all over the media.. television, books, magazines.. relationships, dating, marriage, divorce.. it's everything. we are socialized to want to fit in with the crowd, to be accepted. and a disgusting amount of energy and time is spent attempting to accomplish this; and unfortunately, the majority of the time it's temporary and we are once again left unsatisfied.. left with a bigger void, as the disappointments continue to mount up, and we just keep digging..

we are all missing the point. big time.

i used to see this in myself every day. in conversations with friends or colleagues, i would find myself holding my tongue even though i sometimes disagreed with what they said. or while interacting with acquaintances or strangers alike, i would become preoccupied with the idea of my reputation, and use that as a guide for my actions. whether or not they had preconceptions of me was irrelevant. i purposely never really gave an accurate indication of who i actually was.

and these false impressions were only ever self-restricting. because if the people i was hanging out with liked that person, it wasn't me they liked. and why would anyone ever want to surround themselves with people that wouldn't like them for their true selves.


so here's to getting over it and just being yourself. that alone will make me like you [for you].